All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
