Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
