why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
