I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
