I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
