woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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