oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
