my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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