my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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