cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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