tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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