there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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