I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
