Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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