I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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