Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he shaved USA in his pubs
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize