you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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