sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
