I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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