the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
