Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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