I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
