Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
