Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
