$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
