Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
