He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize