please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
