Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
