Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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