The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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