There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
