Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
