There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
