hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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