I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
