They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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