And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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