Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
