Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
