Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
