Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Please don't give away my fajitas
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