Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
