i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
