OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
