Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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