sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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