Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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