is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
