She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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