Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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