I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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