The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
