So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
