We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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