I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
