Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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