Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
