i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
