My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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