yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
