dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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