That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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