Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize