Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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