im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
