i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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